tiddlyompompom's oh so helpful guide to newborn babies

Little M is now five weeks old. Wow, where did that time go?

Anyhoo, over the last five weeks, several important facts about newborns have come wooshing back into my sleep deprived mind. Because I am an incredibly public spirited and generous person, I thought I would share these with you.

You are welcome.

  • Your baby may be teeny tiny, but (s)he is UNBELIEVABLY strong. Don’t believe me? Wait until you try to get a cross baby into a baby grow.
  • Filling a nappy requires an enormous amount of effort for very little gain.
  • The sounds that accompany the said filling of nappy are unbelievable.
  • Baby poo can travel a long, long way
  • You can (and indeed will) survive on three hours sleep
  • There is nothing more satisfying than getting your baby to burp after a feed
  • Sometimes, your teeny tiny baby can burp like a 16 stone rugby player
  • People tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps. What they fail to realise is you are rarely tired at the same time as your baby and vice versa.
  • The second you sit down for dinner/shut your eyes/get in the shower, the baby will wake up screaming and require immediate attention.
  • It will take you an hour just to leave the house.
  • When you do finally get out of the door, you will most probably have at least seventeen bags, with enough paraphernalia to keep an army of small babies going for a week. Just. In. Case.
  • Having a newborn baby in a pram means that everyone you meet will want to chat. You should allow extra time for this when out and about.
  • The Baby Brain you developed during pregnancy does not get any better once the baby arrives.
  • Never ever ever ever ever ever EVER say “I think (s)he’s gone to sleep now” or anything else along those lines. If you have to, think it quietly INSIDE your head. Do not, I repeat DO NOT say it out loud as this guarantees another hour of screaming from your baby, and possibly you. Make sure grandparents/aunts/uncles/everybody else understands this rule. Make them sign something if necessary.
  • They really do grow so unbelievably quickly, so make the most of it/hang in there (delete as appropriate)
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