When I was little my best friend (of the actual person variety) lived three doors down from us. I have vivid memories of playing at her house: sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags, making up our own tv shows, slamming the downstairs toilet door so hard her evil big sister got stuck in there. *ahem* I remember one day watching Play School on our tv – a back and white one, remember them?! – and announcing to my mum that we needed to go to my friend’s house to watch the afternoon repeat on her colour tv so I could see if the lady’s trousers were really black. My kids do NOT know they’re born…
When we were about three and a half, her family moved away. All the way to Manchester. Not the other end of the world, but when you are three she may as well have been moving to the moon.
To help me with my loss, my granny brought me a book entitled “My Best Friend Moved Away” or something similar. I never actually received this book, as she had put it somewhere safe so as not to lose it, but then couldn’t find it. I kind of hoped we’d find it when we cleared her house last summer, but we didn’t.
Anyhoo, my friend moved away. I survived, without the help of the book.
Today, one month before she turns four, I have had to tell Big M that her best friend in the Whole Wide World is leaving nursery on Friday. The nursery nurses let me know when I collected Big M. They had only found out today, and wanted us to be the ones to break the news. They know how close the two girls are and will be there to help Big M with her loss. We don’t know her friend’s parents, and they have moved away from the area. In reality, the two of them are unlikely to see each other again after Friday.
As we drove home, the M’s had the zingzillas on and were singing happily to themselves in the back seat. I was sat in the driver’s seat, waiting for the lights to change and I actually welled up. Maybe it was the long buried grief of losing my own best friend at the age of three. Before bed this evening, Mr TOPP and I explained to Big M what was going to happen. She asked why. We explained. She asked when. We said Friday. She wanted clarification on which Friday. This one.
“Oh…”
That was it.
She’s three. She has no idea about forever, or goodbyes, or loss.
This week will be fine. But what about next week when she realises what’s happened? That her best friend isn’t coming back? She has other friends that she can/will/does play with, but the fact of the matter is that her best friend is leaving.
Now I wish even more that we’d found that book my granny had brought for me.
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11 Comments
Posted on January 23, 2012 at 8:55 pm by Kate
You know what? At that age it is much less of a loss than you might imagine. Both my kids have been very close to children at nursery and for one reason or another, they haven't moved to the same school and effectively never see them again. They never cried. It's never bothered them once. If you mention them now, they barely remember them.
They have both had friends come and go at school. The last one, I thought Missy Woo would be upset about but still, nothing. She just asks questions about the child who has left.
So, it may not be as bad as you think.
Posted on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm by tiddlyompompom
Thank you – and I kind of get that feeling about Big M. I think maybe we're more upset anticipating how upset she'll be. So far she's just been matter of fact about it all. Fingers crossed she copes as well as your two
Posted on January 23, 2012 at 9:54 pm by Natalie
I have just welled up! I underestimated the whole loss thing. Like you, I did lead up to the event. Em seemed to have taken it on board, and had even spoken about the fact that Amelie would be going to a new nursery. However, on that first day, without Amelie, I was ill-prepared when Em stood in the hall outside 3-5's and I said 'go on in Em', and she said 'I'm just going to wait here for Amelie'. That yanked my heartstrings good 'n' proper. I began to re-explain to Em about what aforementioned conversations about Amelie leaving, and I saw her bottom lip go, and the tears well up. That happened only once, and as you know, now she is very happy, and particularly fond of Big M and Hannah (when Em isn't in one of her morning grumps of course) #GetsThatFromHerDad It's so good that the nursery staff are so attuned to the friendship circles and have the foresight to forewarn you, and recognise that for a 3 and 3 quarters year old, this could be a big deal. This post probably hasn't helped allay your worries, except to say, Em only had one wobble over the whole 'saying goodbye'.
Posted on January 23, 2012 at 10:17 pm by Mum
I’m not sure that silence means there is no loss. I was completely oblivious to how you felt about O and you never said much. I might have said you took it in your stride which shows how much I knew
Similarly my parents were oblivious to how I felt when my best friend moved away. I wouldn’t have known how to begin to express how I felt
I think it might be a good idea to ask M in a week or so “I wonder how X is getting on in her new school? Do you miss her?” She maybe will do, but may not have the words around concepts of “missing”
You could then go on to talk about other friends, and even tell her about O and what you and O did together and how you felt
Posted on January 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm by tiddlyompompom
Oh bless! That made me well up. It's so hard to know how they process stuff. I know Big M will be fine as she has friends like Em to play with. Also glad the staff are so in touch with them. So far she seems to be dealing with it ok. Fingers crossed…
Posted on January 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm by tiddlyompompom
So far she's doing ok. Am going to exchange email addresses with the mum so we can keep in touch.
Posted on January 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm by Mum
I am glad. “Missing” and “keeping in touch” are concepts little ones can’t articulate yet until they are given vocabulary to express how they feel
Posted on January 25, 2012 at 4:36 am by Expat Mum
At the risk of sounding harsh, I'm not sure there's much point in trying to keep in touch if she lives too far away. They forget each other so quickly. My kids barely remembered their best friends from nursery a year after they'd all gone their separate ways. It was almost embarrassing, but apparently very common.
Posted on January 28, 2012 at 6:25 pm by Bayard Coulombe
Goodbyes are very painful for children. Hence, I have decided that I would be sticking to a job that does not demand much moving. I do not want my children to bear the pains of loss of friends!
My recent post Prix home trainer
Posted on January 31, 2012 at 12:09 pm by tiddlyompompom
You're probably right. She's moved abroad so will be very hard to get to see her. Will have to see how it goes
Posted on January 31, 2012 at 12:10 pm by tiddlyompompom
same here